Why Autistic people are not like icebergs

This year has been long and difficult. There is a myriad of sociological and emotional reasons why, but you do not have time for that rabbit hole. Instead, I wanted to address the ‘Iceberg’ model of autism, and why I struggle with it.

The issue with using an iceberg is that if you put on some cold weather diving gear or hop in a submersible, you can go and see the bits under the water pretty easily (with obvious dangers, safety considerations etc.) To me, it seems that this analogy is inviting people to book a weekend diving trip with a group, ready to explore, take underwater selfies, and then tell people that they really need to go do it to get a real understanding of autistic people.

As an autistic person, I would love it were it that easy. A quick David Attenborough documentary away from truly understanding myself and explaining it to others. Beautiful, simple. Thank goodness autism is an iceberg.

However, that is not true. Let’s talk about masking. You may have heard of masking. Simple right:

• You ask me how I am
• I say I am ok
(We all know I am not really )
• You say “Are you sure you’re ok? You can talk to me”
• I say “Actually I am a bit stressed”

And you have got past the mask, peeked behind the curtain, dived the iceberg. Convenient, ‘deep’ even. Well done you. Only that is not how masking goes (well not for me). Let’s try this again.

• You ask me how I am
• I say I am ok (First mask)
• You say “Are you sure you’re ok? You can talk to me”
• I feel the need to give you something more, so create a mask with some vulnerability showing and say “Actually I am a bit stressed”
• You feel great
• I feel like I now have 2 masks and I have to remember which one you have seen so I can be consistent

In reality, I have let you see what you need to see to allow me to continue and you to go away or leave me alone, whilst I try and read from you what I think you need to see and projecting it back at you. You see an iceberg under water and feel like you have made a deep connection, whilst I now have another iceberg I have to maintain for a person.

Now multiply the iceberg by the amount of people I interact with. That’s a lot of icebergs, and they are all different. In reality, the icebergs are all masks. So, you ask, where is the true me, unmasked? Well, I am the ocean, full of deep trenches, hidden mountains and sunken ships. Even I do not understand it, have not explored it, and am frightened by all the things lurking in it. I have therapy sometimes, which is like having freediving lessons.

I am not trying to say I have greater hidden depths than others. I am saying that my reality is far less structured than people think, and far less understood. Even when you think you have seen past the mask, understand it is not a single mask. Everything I do is masked to some extent, except when I am alone, and even then I do it to myself to get by. As an adult diagnosed late in my 30’s I have been moulded to conform from birth, copying, mirroring, tweaking, acting, and have built so many personas and characters that I do not really know who the core me in this 'Russian doll of masks' is.

I am not aiming for sympathy, pity, or a clap for my bravery. I just would like people to know that what you see is what I think you need to see. If you need a true answer, you need to see me in person, where I feel safe, having built up a relationship of trust, and even then, I won’t really know how far past all the masks you have seen.

#autism #actuallyautistic @autistics